facebook says becomes your dream.
one page on facebook says it's not the desire that kills me, it's the hope.
truth be told, never in life that I really want something. and it felt like shit knowing that at the end of the day, it's all you've ever wanted.
my sister said that sometimes, all we want is a closure. that or something like all we need is a closure.
takuya kimura said on good luck that he's finally coming to terms with his condition. "now you're here talking all this shit to me.."
that's exactly how I felt.
I used to say applying for a scholarship is like buying a lamp by philips,
you plug it in and forget about it.
a guy I know back in university said that winning a scholarship to Japan is like buying a lottery, you win it or lose it. I disagree. because for me buying a lottery does not signify how much you love lottery, though it does signify how much it means to win it. and there's no skill required to win a lottery, you will only need to have a little money, walk down to the nearest store and make your payment.
docnomads asked me to make a small documentary feature.
which I did.
in no sense it was like buying a fuckin lottery.
it requires a certain degree of knowledge in story telling, camera and lenses, human interaction and the ability to combine them to come up with an output worthy of anyone's time.
though if we put it in that sense, by no means should it come close to the philips light bulb analogy.
both statements, whence to convey the act of actually applying, somewhat means the same though paint a diferent picture.
when lottery seems like a mindless thing to buy simply driven by the miniscule probability of winning it, light bulb signifies absolute necessity, the very thing god created at the end of his seven-day universe-creation process, or as quoted from the old testament, and forgetting it would be to continuously enjoying it radiance, endure the hope, or what one page on facebook says the very thing that kills.
I remember the first time I touched a camera, back in highschool, I remember the first time I actually owned one, back at univ, and I remember the first time taking motion images.
I remember how grateful I was finding an old footage of my mom, how disapointed I was losing a footage of my grandma,
and I'll remember how shitty it felt waiting for a closure that never comes.
but I guess at the end, like humans do, I will finally coming to terms with it,
I just hope that now I'd believe the lottery shit more than the light bulb. so than, at least, I could easily walk down to the nearest store when this one turned out to be a dud.
afterall, it's common knowledge that lottery has always been a no-win proposition for the lot of us,
why should it be any different this time?
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