you'd expect it to be some part of a plan
you'd expect it to last forever
you'd expect it to be your last shot at the moon
you'd expect to be happy

and you're met with a question with no answer
and you found bitter truth hidden in lies
and you're stranded in the chance of slight happiness at the expend of prolonged tranquility

and you wish to stay in the moment forever
in between the worse of the opposite ends
in between nothingness and broken hearted

and you've seen this coming
but neglect it
went ahead with it
let illusion sways you far off
where logic is but a distant dream

leaving you stranded
with no happy ending

it is at this moment you'd wish to close your eyes, let your heart played its final beat and take the pain away

let there be rain

break me

I will meet you in some place
where the light lends itself to soft repose

I will let you undress me
but I warn you, I have thorns like any rose

and you could hurt me with your bare hands
you could hurt me using the sharp end of what you say
but I'm lost to you now
and there's no amount of reason to save me

so break me
take me
just let me feel your arms again

break me
take me
just let me feel your love again

feels like being underwater
now that I've let go and lost control
water kisses fill my mouth
water cloud fills my soul

so break me
take me
just let me feel your arms again

make me
I'll let you make me
just let me feel your love again

kiss me once
well, maybe twice
oh, it never felt so nice

break me
take me
just let me fill your love again

break me
I'll let you make me
just let me feel your arms again

just let me
feel your love again

growing weaker

like a grass of some type, you're witnessing the growth of a perfect greenish yellow flower on a pedestal.

it was blooming.

and when it got older it's gotten stronger, it's gotten tougher, battered by the sun, shot by heavy rain, bashed by dusts, scrawny around the edges, but surviving, and you thought its jolt from the ground is imminent..

and you regret.

and you hope and you hope and you wish and you pray and you expect and you hope and then hope some more that it will not be, without your involvement.

and you regret..

the waking

i wake to sleep, and take my waking slow
i feel my fate in what i cannot fear
i learn by going where i have to go

we think by feeling, what is there to know?
i hear my being dance from ear to ear
i wake to sleep, and take my waking slow

of those so close beside me, which are you
god bless the ground! i shall walk softly there
and learn by going where i have to go

light takes the tree, but who can tell us how?
the lowly worm climbs up a winding stair
i wake to sleep, and take my waking slow

great nature has another thing to do
to you and me, so take the lively air
and, lovely, learn by going where to go

this shaking keeps me steady, i should know
what falls away is always. and is near
i wake to sleep, and take my waking slow
i learn by going where i have to go

the search for the perfect earphone continues

well..

just like what happens almost every six months, my dbE earphone broke again after the fifth purchase. What makes it worse is that this particular earphone broke after only about four months or so, which is shitty..

I have to say that it's quite stupid if people don't learn why the same earphone continue to break within a course of owning five now, and I've got a pretty good analysis, or hypothesis, why this shit keeps having the right dongle stop making sound.

it was always with the same preceding action, which is plugging it into a stupid laptop or computer.. blah even my speaker system has its right side muting on me..

anyways, this particular earphone was jacked in a laptop on one lazy afternoon, simply because I need to hear Obama's stupid debate, about taxation, health and insurance for the americans that has absolutely nothing to do with me, my well being or concern..

to cut the story short, I was then flew to Bali where I forgot my ipod charger, hence forcing me to hear music from my phone, which was the reason why the previous same earphone broke in the first place: the 3.5mm jack wasn't gold plated, which the different edges on the jack input, as the phone obviously require another strip for mic, mess up the earphone's jack sensitivity.. I'm talking about the previous same earphone.. which should be easy enough to fix, but my beautiful wife just had to throw it away in one of her 'cleaning up the room' endeavor..

and on to this same earphone, in the present time, right before the right side just stopped screaming, it's frequency was noticeably louder, almost hurting my head, which is weird as the phone wouldn't normally produce such loud noise..

and when I made a quick tour to the bathroom, it just stopped working.

so what is this dbE in ear headphone I'm talking about..


 

It's not the despair. It's the hope that kills me.

facebook says becomes your dream.

one page on facebook says it's not the desire that kills me, it's the hope.

truth be told, never in life that I really want something. and it felt like shit knowing that at the end of the day, it's all you've ever wanted.

my sister said that sometimes, all we want is a closure. that or something like all we need is a closure.

takuya kimura said on good luck that he's finally coming to terms with his condition. "now you're here talking all this shit to me.."

that's exactly how I felt.

I used to say applying for a scholarship is like buying a lamp by philips,

you plug it in and forget about it.

a guy I know back in university said that winning a scholarship to Japan is like buying a lottery, you win it or lose it. I disagree. because for me buying a lottery does not signify how much you love lottery, though it does signify how much it means to win it. and there's no skill required to win a lottery, you will only need to have a little money, walk down to the nearest store and make your payment.

docnomads asked me to make a small documentary feature.

which I did.

in no sense it was like buying a fuckin lottery.

it requires a certain degree of knowledge in story telling, camera and lenses, human interaction and the ability to combine them to come up with an output worthy of anyone's time.

though if we put it in that sense, by no means should it come close to the philips light bulb analogy.

both statements, whence to convey the act of actually applying, somewhat means the same though paint a diferent picture.

when lottery seems like a mindless thing to buy simply driven by the miniscule probability of winning it, light bulb signifies absolute necessity, the very thing god created at the end of his seven-day universe-creation process, or as quoted from the old testament, and forgetting it would be to continuously enjoying it radiance, endure the hope, or what one page on facebook says the very thing that kills.

I remember the first time I touched a camera, back in highschool, I remember the first time I actually owned one, back at univ, and I remember the first time taking motion images.

I remember how grateful I was finding an old footage of my mom, how disapointed I was losing a footage of my grandma,

and I'll remember how shitty it felt waiting for a closure that never comes.

but I guess at the end, like humans do, I will finally coming to terms with it,

I just hope that now I'd believe the lottery shit more than the light bulb. so than, at least, I could easily walk down to the nearest store when this one turned out to be a dud.

afterall, it's common knowledge that lottery has always been a no-win proposition for the lot of us,

why should it be any different this time?

make peace

I'm currently playing pat metheny and brad mehldau's make peace on youtube, hence the title.

or the other way around

I currently think how people should make peace, in many things, hence the title, and I'm currently playing pat metheny and brad mehldau's make peace on youtube.

making peace, in my opinion, is not only about forgiving yourself for your past mistakes, but also your discontent to many things, that you think is making war inside you.

it's not easy, it's not suppose to be easy.

like my wife, who is currently on her 30th birthday, happy birthday love, and has since a year and a half ago got this rare skin rash that's ichin like hell, she'd say.

it's not going to be easy making peace with rare skin rash that's ichin like hell.

but it's should be somewhat easier to make peace with your present condition, emotionally, financially, musically, artistically, personally, whatever it is that makes war within you.

all you've got to do, is accept it. dalai lama would say that all you've got to do is understand the nature of it, and accept it, paulo coelho would say something similar, but with a touch of beauty nonetheless..

we are what we are, we made our mistakes and will probably make more. if one should use the gods' big book of fate, where everything each of everyone of us have done and about to do is written in details within this book, than there's absolutely nothing to worry about, nothing to be concerned about,

unless whether or not you can make peace with yourself,

I used to say that my mother was a wonderful person, I hate it when she left us, but that doesn't reduce her wonderfulness when she was with us. one of the thing that makes her the way she was were the facts that she's one of those people that you can easily please, accepting whatever effort to make her happy, and actually be happy about the effort itself.

I grow with that types of intrinsic understanding in life, only to understand that not many,  grew with the same understanding.

I think my mother made peace with whatever that makes war within her at the end, for once I never lose the faith that she did.

and my dead beat dad too, though I don't think he thinks of anything to worry about anything. another types of understanding that some people grew up with apparently.

for me, life is like a flowing river that naturally lead to the sea. follow your heart, and be sure that your heart leads you to where it thinks is alright, and when it's not, make peace, and let the river flows, let it find a way onto the sea.

and when you've reach the sea, and it's not the sea you have in mind, make peace.

like the pat metheny and brad mehldau's make peace, the touching ending is only the beginning of the blooming of your heart.

in a way it's more than accepting and be grateful about whatever you've got left, it's more like finding peace..