i just broke someone's heart this morning

i just broke someone's heart this morning

no. i broke her heart and mine

her name is Nyi Indah Kristianingsih, a woman who loves me so much, loves me so much that even the faintest description will not suffice. she loves me and i betrayed her, that her knowledge of me loving her is now a lie she sought, adopted to submerge my state of desperation.

i've been living on this beach for ages in solitude that suddenly she came with the promise to take me somewhere far, take me with her, and i agreed, and now someone else came with not much to offer, but better description of the shores. and while she worked for the taking, i'm here having my second thought, and now remorse.

i broke someone's heart this morning

and that's the shittiest shit i've ever gotten to deal with, and again?

i've never thought that i would ever get into this situation again after high school, once, just once, and i have carried the guilt on my back forever, until recently, and yet i did, to the same woman, twice now, my attempt for an atonement is her agony, i broke her heart again.

"you fool me twice, shame on me!"

i wish she was here, so she could just kill me, instead of having me killing her

i want to say i love you so much, but the finger won't move, yet it doesn't feel like a lie, it was what i feel, illogically, but the finger won't move.

oh how she loves me, how she wants me, how she thinks of no one better, how it succumbs me, how this makes me the evil monster.

how far would you go to lift your ideals?it's weird that a man of nothing like me would be that stupid to follow ideals, down to it's pit, letting it eats away at me. love should not win. it should surrender on nobility, picture of brighter future, the very essence of commitment, compromise, toleration. and i resent that, i have always resented that, believe in love i said, and never have i thought that i should face the wrath of that resentment, to stand for my ideals, and hurt the one, the only one i thought could ever love me so deeply, so undemandingly, so unconditionally, the only one i though could ever do, only to grant me a simple pointless thing, a nil mini scale particle size thing, to love as well.

oh what have i done, whatta fuck have i done, god damned me

oh how she wants me and loves the idea of me, how it became such a burden, how i was left alone to go nowhere but reaching at the moon, and how such a pathetic defense it was.

she loves me, but i guess it is not love that gives you the heart to leave the one you love alone to love someone else, and i loved her, for loving me the way she does, and how it breaks my heart now as i see my confusion as truth, my indecisiveness as guide, my foolishness as an option. and i probably don't love myself enough to fight for my own feelings. that the joy of all things is not the joy you should feel, but the joy you provide for someone else. that being happy of loving is crab and let someone loves you with all her happiness on a pan is a necessary sacrifice.

i'm sorry..

i'll stick on my own on this beach if you asked, endure the pain you suffer if you want, that's fair enough, but no, i can't let me linger on your side for too long..

i just broke my heart this morning