new found realizations

there are so many things I want -well more in the thought that it would be good to pour in than want- to write lately. different topics that now seem a bit useless -though funny- and obviously pointless. and i guess to just go ahead with them in smaller structures does seem to be less tedious in a way than my original conception.

I have, and frankly quite surprised by the fact that some humility can result in the finding of brand new realizations that -in my own reasoning- have been shunned away in my brain for quite sometimes now.

this is stupid, but for the first time in my life, I realized the importance of high speed internet connection in brightening up my day.

quite frankly I have had that assumption for quite sometimes now that I will not find peace in my working without hitting the download button before hand. that the idea of already downloading something put me in a state of tranquility, hence the freedom of focusing on microsoft words without the feeling of wasting one of the most inventive inventions in the history of humankind: the ability to down load new knowledge and take them for granted.

I always considered myself a mouse, not only from the way I scatter all the little things around my bed where I sleep, but also the natural behavior of collecting everything that at first glance looked interesting. and internet is that magic wand that allows me to become the real me, a mouse.

For the first time also I realized that the accumulation of fear is the sole reason why I can't seem to put everything in order to virtually snatch a scholarship.

I mean, I realized that it actually make sense. I can't explain it, but it does make sense.

I also realized that I have never ever actually believe in anything. I mean, more than seeing, believing requires such degree of bravery, and I feel like that is what I most lack of in most of the time: the courage to actually believe in some things.

I can easily say I believe in God or proclaiming myself as a religious twit. but the questions of his, or her, role in the life of gazillion people, or why he, or she, always seems to be pro to status quo, does blur away the possibility: the possibility that he, or she, might actually exist.

this lead to the doubting of hell, heaven, angels, demons, historically unrecorded prophets, new testaments, religious conflicts, viaticum, the importance of religious leaders like the pope, purity and pure teaching of good versus evil, eventually lead to the doubting of good deeds, bad deeds, actions and reactions, the cordiality of self reflection, religious consequences, the afterlife, simple treats or even bigger ones that are actually valued in His presence, the importance of actually paying attention to religious teachings and so on and so forth.

But still, I can easily say I believe in God just for the heck of it.

I guess more importantly than everything else is that the believe in God does help people to be morally acceptable in their social life. I mean, pagans shouldn't in their right mind say stuff like "I'll pray for you" whenever a friend is trapped in dire situations, caught in conflict areas like Darfur or more recently the capital city of Thailand.

This lead to the next realization, that we don't need to actually believe in God to actually believe in God, we are sensible, thus positioned to believe in him, or her, for the sakes of being.

the next realization is as stupid as shit, but still fit to the category. I kindda realize, barely, that my state of being fat is actually caused by my love of eating, or gulping, whatever fit the description of food or drinks and apparently too lazy to break some sweat, wishfully thinking that one day I'd wake up thin and lean and looking good as ever.

and that also lead to the next realization, that it's genuinely a wishful thinking to find myself lean blablabla waking up.

Other than the fact that I hate coffee -but still drink them-, less hating Duren -but still deliberately chose not to have anything to do with the decision of putting anything with them in my mouth-, and despise stupid people, I found it the worse pain in my life ever, physically, to have a clot of air stuck between the bulk of my ass and the pole of my spine, go figure.

people are living with more things than the things they actually need, and I'm looking forward to find the same things around me somewhere in the future.

I also realized that though I'm familiar with the phrase "you only live once", I don't have the capacity of living up to it, and I guess so as other people. I realized that people do understand that they only live once, but they seem to dwell on the idea that they might live long enough to starve or to be a hobo, or more precisely for good, and that explains their way of life, or mine for that matter.

mm...

I can't exactly root a point in life where I begun to develop the habit, because more often than I realize it, I get to put "this is stupid" in front of some stupid, and probably not so stupid, things I want to say, or write for that matter.

but in a way, I'm grateful, and by grateful I mean I thank God, I actually do, that never throughout my time of living I get to see my entire life flashing through before my eyes and get to feel like there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I somewhat come to the point of realization that some things who seem good at the first encounter don't necessarily be good for the rest of its existence and vice versa, and that it applies to almost everything.

I realize that it's just the way it is. and I somewhat glad that I get to realize it now, because in a way, life does seem a bit bearable afterward..

hm..