picture taken from the paper
there are couple of things altered by the copy editor, though i understand completely their job is to make sure that the language fit the Style Book; I still find it annoying and think that things could have been better left alone
"I couldn't help but"
I notice two sentences using this opening, bad.
"Cars passed on the dark streets of Sam Ratulangi, their drivers having no idea of what was going on."
sometimes in Jakarta drivers are just drivers, and not necessary those interested in or obliged to know anything about concerts. It could have been corrected into "People passed the dark streets of Sam Ratulangi in their cars, having no idea of what was going on"
"we would be entering at 8:30."
It doesn't sound that right for me...
"And lo, do I see any decorations on the stage?"
this was originally a statement, not a question. I have no idea as why they would change this into a question... originally from "lo do I see no decoration on the stage."
"Sound man Dave Lumenta"
Dave Lumenta wasn't the soundman, he was responsible for the ambience of the entire concert. Soundman's job was to make sure that every sound released by every member of the band is in sync, and that's not what his responsibility was.
"evidenced by the lack of unity amongst the players."
The wording got better, but that's not the meaning I intended to convey. Because unity had always been there since the very beginning, but the band failed to nail this piece at the start because some of the member were not quite ready to make the unison. Some were still carried away by the conversation, the crowd, and thus not making the start on time; not necessarily a lack of unity.
"covered by the overly loud kendang and percussionists"
The initial sentence was "Eaten by the overly loud kendang and percussions" I'd say eaten because it was. second, percussionists were persons, the overly loud sounds were coming from the played instruments, not persons.
"The amazing improvisation was interrupted by a slow repeat of a single note from the Rhodes"
I can't remember writing the word 'interrupted,' in the sentence, because what i heard wasn't quite like interruption, but a nice sudden-phasing of theme, marked by proportioned endings and starters.
"And though often Dave's soundscapes seemed a bit off and disturbing, it was in this tune that he exhibited his value, building a blue atmosphere throughout to enhance a message."
yes, this is a criticism, even so, he did well in the tune. what I do mind about this sentence is 'a message.' What's the message??
Not that far, seeing from how the composition grew, was actually a paradigm. the melodies, the solo, the ending, all enhanced the long distance of a trip, the message he managed to convey with his soundscapes was actually 'it is far! but let's just indulge ourselves by saying the contrary'
the end, nevertheless, is perfect. I just hate to not sounding the way i wanted to sound in the first place, so those reading the review online, you get my points.
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