I'm not happy

ck payah,

gue jadi berasa orang yang berkali2 di gambarkan di novel2..

orang2 yang menginginkan perubahan significant dalam hidupnya tapi ga bener2 ngelakuin sesuatu untuk merubahnya, sialan..

I know I have to at least write something, time waits for no one, but damn, how hard it is to get rid of thoughts like "tomorrow.." maan.. I'm in a deep shit..

write something dude!! melakukan sesuatu bukan cuman ngirim CV sebanyak2nya ..
If I want to be a swimmer, gue akan belajar berenang, n bukannya ngirim CV ke lembaga penyelenggara lomba renang..

jodoh, berapa orang bilang kerjaan bagus itu jodoh, we all know its a bunch of shit, people get the best job because they deserve it, they're doing great jobs, precious with their times, trustworthy, kerjaan bagus itu jodoh adalah propaganda buat orang yang ga pernah berusaha keras untuk dapetin kerjaan bagus, atau excuse untuk nggak ngelakuin apapun, I hate this shit!

huh sialan

dan liatlah gue, doing the same freakin stupid job I've been doing for the past 14 months!!
the same freakin job that I thought would last in just 6 months, god damn me..

it's like being in a coma and waking up realizing that the only thing u're good at is being in a coma

>sigh< I live my own life, and holding control of it, but these situations.. makes me realize that I don't have any control to any of these shits, not a shit!!

too many to think about, too many hearts to protect,


I'm not happy


not happy

Godbless - Ahmad Albar Superstar

tiba2 gue jadi bangga pernah ngefans sama godbless, meski itu jaman gue TK - SMP, jaman gue ga bisa ngomong dengan benar, dan mungkin jaman gue ga bisa mikir dengan normal juga, mungkin.

tapi godbless bener2 hebat, music yang secara lirik bisa dipertanggung jawabkan dan dalam, ga tentang cinta-cintaan doang tapi sesuatu yang merakyat, nyata, dan kadang penuh imajinasi ngasal yang bebas (menjilat matahari), penuh kepedulian yang sederhana dan lugas (kehidupan)

sekarang gue lagi mengakar lagi kesukaan gue tentang godbless, mencoba menikmati musiknya dan ngga cuman menyanyikannya, menyukai bass Donny Fattah, gitar Eet Syahranie, dan tentu saja Ahmad Albar, the superstar.

hehe jadi ingat betapa dulu gue pingin, dan bener2 pingin punya rambut krebo demi mengikuti sang idola, dalam bayangan gue waktu itu (bayangin ini) gue satu2nya anak yng berangkat kesekolah (SD gue dulu didekat Rawa Pening) dengan bangga, berjalan dengan mantap kesekolah yang berjarak sekitar 2 kiloan dari rumah gue, bangga karena gue berambut krebo..

ada kejadian ajaib juga waktu gue SD, hehe gue pernah menang lomba karaoke se-RT, juara dua, nyanyiin 'semut hitam' hehe.. eh apa 'hanya satu kata'-nya Hari Moekti ye? btw hadiahnya lumayan loh, lima bijih sarimi.. hehe

tapi kalo dibandingkan band2 lain saat ini, mutu musik kita bener2 udah turun, GIGI misalnya, puh, males gue, apa lagi setelah ada salah satu lagu mereka yang mirip banget ma lagu Avril, nyontek kok yo lagunya Avril.. gue berani taruhan album mereka yang baru juga paling jelek (jahat banget ye gue..) tapi imajinasi mereka tuh bener2 udah buntu, udah saatnya bubar -halah - lihat aja jumlah lagunya dari album mereka dari jaman sebot, lima side A, lima side B, ck.. mengecewakan..

hehe gue kok malah mengutuk GIGI gini sih..

pokoknya hari giiiiniiii ngomongin cintaaaaa?!

nggak banget!





temen gue barusan beli rockestra-nya Erwin Gutawa dengan Ahmad Albar disitu, and to be honest that's the best vocal yang ada di seluruh album, pure dan ga dibuat2, kekhasan yang nggak nyeleneh, dalem karena suaranya emang dalem, dan nggak perlu tinggi-tinggi melengking atau serak untuk tetap terlihat 'bekerja keras' dalam bernyanyi -its rock, people need alot of hard work in rock-, sementara penyanyi2 yang lain mencoba terdengar seperti 'diri mereka sendiri' dengan suara2 mereka, mirip komeng dengan suara 'khas'nya -kecuali Roy Boomerang yang emang keren hehe-

Godbless dengan Ahmad Albar superstar bagaimanapun merupakan bagian dari tahun2 kejayaan negri ini, dan gue bangga karena saat itu terjadi gue punya akses yang cukup, dimana Godbless kemudian menjadi bagian hidup gue, yang secara tidak langsung membangun jiwa gue lewat masa kecil gue, musikalitas gue, dan sudut pandang gue kini..


----> end of this blog

excerp 1 from --> surga keheningan

he stared onto the vast ocean in front of him, the sun is setting with the world wallowing on its surrounding waiting for the key moment to dim down and close the curtain. everything was blue and white, brighter in the sky and darker as it’s getting down

"why do you keep doing this?" said a familiar voice, the same voice that has been there for all of his life, the very voice that will repeat and repeat until the very question is answered

"why you keep doing this?

the man sits still, his eyes stared vaguely, and slowly the sun sinks, the wavy blue earth took it willingly like receiving a heart after a long gone, a brief of giving and receiving none, the moments passed untraced. nothing has changed but everything changed abruptly, and soon skies turned bluish red, clouds grew darker, and half of the ever glowing heart is implanted, leaving a trace of blood and bluish wounds.

"hmm.. I don't know.." he answered, nothing is changing in his expression.

"why do you have to do it?"

the man sat back as if taking a break from a heavy burden. He sighed and squandered.

"I guess i was.."

he stopped, partly looking for the perfect word to continue, partly waiting for the voice to ask again, partly enjoying the silence he made for himself, the brief silence he had always wanted every time.

".. repeating a pattern I don't know I have..don't you think?"

He waited. He waited for an answer that he knew would not come through, the voice has only questions to give, for over twenty years it has nothing but questions to give. still he waited.

the world is dimming down, sources of lights has swell to dark screened scattered rainbow as if blown away by the winds.

"I guess I failed, faster this time, with the only girl I wish I never have started anything in the first place"

at these times he could come up with hundreds of justifications, in which some of them really wise and make sense, that several of these some are really true, but he sits still. the wind blows his face and still he sits at the very spot he decided to sat on two hours ago.

"i can't believe you keep doing this! why?"

the voice returned, yet he remained silent, for ten years he has learnt to ignore these voices, learnt to take them as raptures to go to sleep with, listening but not really listening, pretending they were intended to someone else, or if the intensity got worse, pretending to listen to lamb of god without the band.

Seagulls were screaming in different tempo, he can't see them, he don't intent to. everything is dark now, lamp lights were lit and soon the place has returned to the very state it has been the night before.

the man sits still. he knows why. he understands exactly why he did what he did, because he is in love with this girl, the girl he thought he knows so well, yet not too well to be just another make beliefs, he's in love with this girl and he wanted to give himself a chance, he had failed and failed before, he had gone to places which remind him of nothing but failures and silly disappointment of him selves, places which make him laugh bitterly, places with specific scents and forms. and yet he persists. because love fails, and when it works, it is doomed to fail, and so as to get it, to embrace love or to get a sight at love in the very least, and though he knows he will fail, he persists, because all he needs is a single success, one success onto the next stage, that when it failed, fuck it. fuck it because he will love this girl forever, and forever is enough for him.

"I will do it anyways, patterned or not I still have to do it, I need to do this and keep doing this until.. until i don't think it’s important anymore.."

he thinks, he asked himself why, and stared onto the big empty, unfocused.
"well? aren't you leaving?" said the voice almost like a command

the man sits still.

he sits still.

and for a moment, there were silence..

picture two is a psycho duck

there's no way I would ever survive this life
if my heart beat twice as faster every time
and more sometimes
and my knees melt to my feet every time
with my lump jumping out from my mouth

there's no way I could let me linger
if that means to imprison me
to lock me from the outside
and squeeze me from within

Pursuit of Happyness

Suddenly i realized the distance between me and my dreams.. how I have so long abandoned them and forgoten anything about learning, preparing my self to get them..

I have gained nothing from my start, taken no step toward any of them, and here at the brink of my quarter.. I'm breaking down..

every possibility was raising to horizon until reality, or so I may perceive, anchor me back to the ground.. the prison I have been kept for so long.


isn't it funny that eventhough you know the right wisdoms to overcome your current state of despair, with you numbering them, listing them like birthday wishes, you just can't seem to grasp them.. and slowly you drown.. no matter how much you know about the swimming theories.

how many times have you pushed yourself to go forward, to trust yourself, or to trust other power beyond you, to keep charging..

..



there's absolutely no reason why people should give up, no real obstruction would ever stop people from trying, except one self, that little voice from deep within your heart uttering the words slowly, almost unheard..

"..its impossible.."

and then you would start to believe it, that it's just too much. that you're lucky enough to get where you are now..



so what.

I can think millions of discouragement for myself right now, another million when I get my hand on a cigarette, even more in blind nites.. but i've been thinking too much, and act less..

mom once said that when I was a kid, when i want something, I would say it to everybody, and they would remind me of what I want, and I would keep pursuing them until I get them..

and then I stop doing it, thinking that it was bad, but i shouldn't have stopped..

no one should ever have stopped..


I have dreams..

many of them are illogical..

but only because i think they are.. only because i allow myself to think that they are.

and soon all of them will be illogical..

and soon i would run out of 'reasonable' dreams





time is of the essence

i wish i had heard these words long ago..

'don't ever let somebody tell you, you can't do something. you've got a dream, you've got to protect it, people can do something themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. you want something, go get it. period.'











and that's exactly what i'm gonna do

love

before I go on bragging about love, let me tell you something stupid.
right this very moment, writing this stupid thought, I'm supposed to get a design job done, 28 pages, full remake, and the only think that stopped me is this..

I totally forgot how to make a freagin table of contents in the Microsoft Word!!!

and so I ate, came back, and still not knowing how to do it.. felt like trading brain with an imbecile..



love,

love at the first sight to be precise..

when I was young, junior high, people keep telling me "you're having a monkey love.." saying the words as if the simple ‘love’ is just not descriptive enough, some find it interesting to call it ‘monkey’.. damn..

and so I kept wondering, so what's the plain love? how does it feel? I mean if the monkey one felt like this, than the love one would definitely feel a lot different in a better sense, right? logic!

and what is love than?

I would walk and I would find someone attractive, continue my walk and I would find someone cute, someone with a beautiful smile, gorgeous eyes, someone who knows how to carry herself... If I’m lucky enough, I would find someone whose beauty is indisputable, sometimes I find someone funny, has a lot to talk about and more to listen to, at rare days I would bump into girls with combinations of the above factors, sometimes all of these descriptions are not enough, there are too many good things to explain.

but never do I walk and find love.

my long question since junior high had been answered, by me, and I disappointed myself..

I would walk, find someone attractive, and finding nothing more, continue my walk and find someone cute, and somehow there' nothing in it. I would gaze at someone who glides, admire the way she swifts, and when she's out of sight, she's out of mind.

its gone, the instinct, the voice within you who says "she's her!!".. long gone..


love now is nothing more than a strict adaptation, the leaning towards needing and emptiness when its over.

why would people not believe in love at the first sight, when nothing compares to its joy.

why people call it monkey and move to this new, and stupid one, this 'easier to find' one, yet it is as meaningless as everything else.

love does not grow, it strikes you. love does not root, it strangles you. love does not leave an empty place, it plucks your heart away with its sudden departure. and sometimes it stays, only to gloom away.

we used to joke about Romeo and Juliet, if any of them had not accidentally killed themselves, they would have been divorced at the age of forty.. why? because like I guess everybody else in the planet, they moved to this new and stupid one they called 'love'

I know a lot about monkey love

I knew everything about it

and like an 80 year-old geezer, sitting at a porch of an even older house, I remember those days, those glorious days when the so called love really strike you with joy of finding, and stomp you with the pain of losing..









coda: this is something funny, it's been a habit for me to put my 'entire clothing collection' to a laundry every end of the month, and the same thing happen this month, I don't know whether you could get the funny part of this story I'm about to tell or not, I don't really try to put some salt in it, but apparently the woman who is supposed to be responsible for the laundry is having a baby, which in general is just bad, but worse because, the laundry is closed and I'm left.. with nothing else besides the thing I'm wearing!! so.. get a move on you little baby!!!




----------------------------------------------------------
this one was made a month ago.. the baby was still in the frickin belly of that women!! damn!!!!

anyways.. I got my laundry back, and like a vicious circle, I left another big pile there..

desperately

desperately
is the only way he knows how to love

he can pretend
like the mountain
or hold himself swift from afar
but that would be a pretend

cos desperately
is the only way he knows how to love

if it failed
and it will
he can always pretend
but will you love yourself when you're not yourself?


desperately
is the only way i know how to love

and desperate acts
is the only acts I can figure
yet, no matter how pity is desperation
it is the fingers of these hands

please understand that 'crave not'
is an urge to stop loving

so leave if you should
and let his candle burned


in desperation
I'd probably do the same




------------------------------------------------------------------------------
puisi yang tiba2 ada di kepala gue.. sekitar 6 bulan lalu, yup.. it's about Irma, the one I so adore and admire (artinya sama ga si?) and love at that time.. love? I don't know anymore, but yeah, she was one of the nicest 'almost' i've ever had in this life, her along with several other that stick to my head

but pretty much talks about me haha!

hmm.. -talks about me having no job two years ago-

yup, I wrote this one two years ago, stranded somewhere I don't know, having no money and nothing to do but joining free stuffs and hoping to make a break, just hoping, cos it turned out that I didn't actually do anything.. damn..

well I got a job now, not that it's the best job ever but you know, this is not forever, and there will be time for me to fly, I'm curious to know what will take me to the peak of my life..

I hope i'm not being delusional..

anyways i dedicate this one for pipim, one of my dearest friends, as i know that he's repeating the same thing i was.. doing.. undergoing.. during this 'let down' period,

and of course bagor, another dearest friend i mentioned at the beginning of this thing, I hope you guys find your own entrance to the big picture, every dog has its day, and we all, god knows, waiting for that very day..

the day of elevation





hmm...

sayang bagor ga ikutan frenster, ga bisa show off kalo g ikut seminar ttng pembuatan pelem dokumenter, ya sbenernya ga bisa dibanggaain jg, itu lebih kaya acara formal dimana ibu2 ga jelas, yg based on the kindness of God bisa kerja di tipi, nanyain hal2 aneh ga mutu yg ga perlu dijawab juga, hehe sok bgt ya g?

pada akhirnya semua mengarah pada kemarahan g yg ngga dapet2 kerja..

tapi g heran jg, pertanyaan lumrah neh, pernah ga si lo, mikir mau apa ato apa yg mau lo kerjain setelah lo lulus?

hmm..

you've had always had those free time, but of course you had to take the wrong turn and spent the rest of the journey whining, complaining why didn't you take the other road!!

kaya bikin pelem dokumenter ma bagor..

one hell of ego to break down, meski tu pelem ga bakal ada penomenalnya or semacamnya, but that mostly the reason why i'm regreting it, not doing the thing that despite the fact i'm sucked at, but have always wanted to do (dan meski ga tau caranya juga)

pertanyaan yg sering g dapet (n paling susah jawab) stlh lulus adalah 'what kind of job you're interested at'.

i hate that question..

but seriously, how i wanna get involved with the media, being a reporter, conducting research and revealing crimes to the people, forcing the authorities to react, and do the right thing for your country.

naIVEly said without really see that you could always do such thing as an ordinary citizen..

tau deh..

basically, lulus was not the best part of life yet, not if you have no idea what to do afterwards..

piece of advise, get a job B4 you graduate or at least get a direction to where you're about to go.

if you really wanna be a war photographer, get a gear and join every photographic lesson you can get this instance, dont let the blade of time cut you in half..

and if you fail, hehe yg biasanya bakal gagal, remember; Tuhan itu maha kuasa, nggak ada yg bilang dia adil, dia maha kuasa.

basically (ini kedua kalinya g pake kata ini) Its normal to be encouraged setelah lo ikut seminar yg di gawangin ma orang sukses dibidang itu, mimpi jadi dokumenter kenamaan di negeri sendiri n eventually keracunan arsenik pas mau pergi ke luar negri buat beasiswa S2 jurnalistik.

and if you fail.. its absolute to fail once or twice atau setidaknya pas lo bkin goal yg terlaLU muluk, goal ga jelas kaya menang FFII n semacamnya n bukan for the sake of documentary bla bla bla

hehe, ngomong apa si g..

you just have to start another one and see if this one dont faIL..

idealis bgt ye?

tau deh

hmm..




banzai buat pipim one of my dearest friend (yg ternyata azas patimura benar2 diterapkannya) pacaran dulu sono, enjoy, udah.. lupain si siapa aja yang lo kejar kemaren, the show must go on right? n you deserve a better show, hopefully this one suits you right


BANZAAAAIIIII (>*<)!

talkin bout a revolution

talkin bout a revolution was a song by Tracy Chapman, thought I'd just shout it out.
But really, the more we've grown, the more we revolt.. or at least at some point change, into something, not necessarily better, but more structured. our goals are set, and though bitter facts about us too started to radiant, our getting smaller life was leading to a path, less adventurous, and despite its being monochrome, was simple, calm, and clear -if not dull-.

But that's all the essence of revolution i guess.. our state of finding out what we did, and how we were able to do it, the search of our mongoloid-ness and the effort to re-run it, in a more limited scope, or whatsoever.

it is a future advancement, but at the same time our careful setback, the time where we want to live our abandoned childhood, our past impossible dream, our crazy thought, that off course in a way now, can be make real.. at least in a month or four..

I have the feeling that I'd be good at this, this state of my simplicity, of taking no responsibility on massive social life, the uneeded mingle, or what so ever..

But i guess people were good at their own way, stepping their own path..

But at a point this so called revolution lead to the same meeting point, the agreed normal life; meeting someone, feeling the spark big enough to cause


There's no period at the end is there?

well, hey I live to tell the tale, and yes.. and no.. I'm really good at this, 'taking no responsibility on massive social life' but really no, it's getting boring, that probably social life is not that baaad..

it's time for a change of career I guess haha!!

a big lie

how many times do you want to call someone a day after her birthday saying "I'm not calling you on time because you're just not that important anymore for me.."

and how many time did it feel like a big lie

the price of a memory

waktu kuliah ada wallpaper windows XP yang menurut gue keren banget, gambar cewe yg lagi jalan pake singlet n celana khaki di poto dari belakang, tulisannya "walk away and move on, windows XP" apa coba.

hehe seperti biasa kata2 sederhana dan ga penting itu gua adopsi selama beberapa chapter yang panjang dalam hidup gue, sekitar tiga bulanan gitu deeh..

trus gue kepikiran hal yg bener2 significant.. mungkinkah.. dan kayanya bener!! windows bilang 'walk away and move on buat actually bilang "udah deh lupain aja karya2 gagal kita yang dulu2, windows 2000 yg kacau n ga compatible-an ama segala hal itu, windows 1998 yg kalo dibuat main game hang mulu dan yang virusnya paling kaya akan variasi, tinggalkan dan belilah operating system terbaru kami, windows XP!! (terdengar genderang kaya yg di show terakhirnya Roma Irama di SCTV jum'at kemaren) cukup US$1000, software dan asesoris tambahan dijual terpisah" lohh!!

dan tentu aja blog kali ini bukan tentang kebencian gue yang mengakar terhadap windoz (halaah benci benci tapi rindu, buktinya ngupdate mulu..) tapi karena cinta gue yang ga kesampaian terhadap apple, the designer's box (halah opo to)

ga..

kalo ga salah counting crows (menghitung gagak) di mbak poter lulabi, salah satu lagunya di album 'padang pasir apaa gitu' (mind the spelling, this is the indonesian translation) bilang "If dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts" trus mereka juga bilang "And the price of a memory is the memory of the sorrows it bring"

hehe keren banget bilang bahwa memories are films about ghosts, tapi kalimat yang kedua secara ngawur ala kadarnya dan tidak bertanggungjawab bakal gue artikan sebagai, harga sebuah kenangan itu terletak pada kesedihan yang dibawanya, and I can't seem to disagree..

(gue yang lagi reminiscence on things yang bener2 bikin gue merasa down n ga enak.. huhuuu memory emang menyebalkan, that's the price of it)

,bisa juga lo bilang "kan ga selalu?!".. nyolot banget ye? atau "nggak selalu kaleee.." hehe that's better.. tapi pikir deh, kenapa disebut kenangan dengan penyanyi 2 macam betaria sonata dan...





yup lo bener, blog ini gue tulis sekitar satu tahun yang lalu dan ga sempat gue selesaiin, gue bahkan ga tau lagi ni blog mo ngomongin tentang apa.. mungkin karena ga ada kesedihan didalamnya.. get it?

gile, intro yang lumayan panjang kan?

anyways, I will just post it, karena sekitar setahun yang lalu adalah masa2 dimana otak gue masi rada jalan dan.. kayanya gue ga bisa lagi nulis intro yang se 'lancar' ini, so there..

picture one is a duck

one. when it pours
she'd run to the nearest shelter
and watch the world in such view

two. wudn't have her umbrella,
but the scent of wet soil was enuf, wasn't it?

three. if she knu anything of german literature,
she'd love Willem Kloos.

four. Silence was a stingin hi pitch in her ears
yet solitude kud be an eulogy, or a symphony.

five. wudn't lit a candle in her birthday,
but spread her dispense and breathe the sky instead.

five. wud wait forever to stand in your hands,
only to conceal the moment.

five. she is a flower,
made of stone.

six. see it in her eyes,
see if she'd fake it.

seven. believes that love is not having,
but never really understand how.

eight. wud smile and probably laugh, a devout secrecy.

nine. had her life as clear as day to walk, had?

nine. a stranger that remains,
till its save to leave.

nine. U thought u knew her

nine. I thought i did

ten. back to where you shud

past present and future tense

nobe, I'm not going to talk about grammar.

It's funny that though I hide this blog from everyone I know, I feel like longing for readers, people who could offer me third party perspectives.. but you know, I thank god that I don't have one anyways.. so let's open up the big secret!!

I'm and alien..





It's so tiring to be me.. (the opening curhat sentence, you would grow to avoid people with this sentence as an opening.. they're usually boring, have a very low self esteem, and just love taking you along with them in a swaying down trip in the hole.. saaad.)

but honest, I have somewhat grown into an ignorant, people who really think that nothing really matters except somethings that really matters, which are not that many, trust me..

and it's getting worse, I wouldn't think Jakarta is a dangerous city until I got mugged myself, or would I think that something is important until I get it and lose it..

there is really nothing in my head, and I hate it.

but in one part it's amazing, you wouldn't know how easy it is for me to stay un-focussed, or stay focus at thing that i think is amazing, and lose it in the next split second, well not that soon, but hehe..

isn't funny how the same matter underwent by everyone in the face of this universe is just as easy to be adopted as mine?

anyways.. quit complaining..


I plan to make this a blog a house for my thoughts, and thus I plan to expel everything I have ever written someplace else.. isn't neat?

hmm.. other difficulties for me would than be to talk about simple things that usual people would talk about , like troubles at the office, what happen on the way home today, how I met a stray cat on my way to the garden to water the plant, hah! that is so not me..

I live in box, dormant, waiting to grow old..

I'm loosing it..

and everything else was a mark up

c'mooon

c'mooon bex, open your frenster n reply my message!

dimana aku disini

bilakah engkau mengerti
semua yg ada di hatiku ini
ku hanya ingin dekatmu
namun kau selalu menyadarkan aku
bukan engkau
kau yg selalu bilang, selalu bilang
tuk tetap aku di sini
takkan berarti
bahwa yg kau bilang, yg kau bilang
kita saling memiliki
dimana aku di sini
dimana aku di sini
dimana aku di sini
pernahkah engkau sadari
bahwa kau selalu menyadarkan aku
bukan engkau

so tired

Feels like making no progress,
I don't feel like making any progress..

worse, I don't feel like having anyone to talk about it, what's to talk about?

life scares the hell out of me, especially with all the future plans unreached without enough finance, everything is so burdening and while I somehow refused to take that burden, I don't feel like doing anything that will get me closer to the condition,

I'm sooo dead.

I've tried, but probably not in the right track, I just don't know what else to do, everything was so clear and certain in my life before and now that uncertainty becomes certain, or that the negative certainties are all that appear to happen..

hey postpone that thing, relax, you've got a time machine..

damn.. live days longer I wish..