excerp 1 from --> surga keheningan

he stared onto the vast ocean in front of him, the sun is setting with the world wallowing on its surrounding waiting for the key moment to dim down and close the curtain. everything was blue and white, brighter in the sky and darker as it’s getting down

"why do you keep doing this?" said a familiar voice, the same voice that has been there for all of his life, the very voice that will repeat and repeat until the very question is answered

"why you keep doing this?

the man sits still, his eyes stared vaguely, and slowly the sun sinks, the wavy blue earth took it willingly like receiving a heart after a long gone, a brief of giving and receiving none, the moments passed untraced. nothing has changed but everything changed abruptly, and soon skies turned bluish red, clouds grew darker, and half of the ever glowing heart is implanted, leaving a trace of blood and bluish wounds.

"hmm.. I don't know.." he answered, nothing is changing in his expression.

"why do you have to do it?"

the man sat back as if taking a break from a heavy burden. He sighed and squandered.

"I guess i was.."

he stopped, partly looking for the perfect word to continue, partly waiting for the voice to ask again, partly enjoying the silence he made for himself, the brief silence he had always wanted every time.

".. repeating a pattern I don't know I have..don't you think?"

He waited. He waited for an answer that he knew would not come through, the voice has only questions to give, for over twenty years it has nothing but questions to give. still he waited.

the world is dimming down, sources of lights has swell to dark screened scattered rainbow as if blown away by the winds.

"I guess I failed, faster this time, with the only girl I wish I never have started anything in the first place"

at these times he could come up with hundreds of justifications, in which some of them really wise and make sense, that several of these some are really true, but he sits still. the wind blows his face and still he sits at the very spot he decided to sat on two hours ago.

"i can't believe you keep doing this! why?"

the voice returned, yet he remained silent, for ten years he has learnt to ignore these voices, learnt to take them as raptures to go to sleep with, listening but not really listening, pretending they were intended to someone else, or if the intensity got worse, pretending to listen to lamb of god without the band.

Seagulls were screaming in different tempo, he can't see them, he don't intent to. everything is dark now, lamp lights were lit and soon the place has returned to the very state it has been the night before.

the man sits still. he knows why. he understands exactly why he did what he did, because he is in love with this girl, the girl he thought he knows so well, yet not too well to be just another make beliefs, he's in love with this girl and he wanted to give himself a chance, he had failed and failed before, he had gone to places which remind him of nothing but failures and silly disappointment of him selves, places which make him laugh bitterly, places with specific scents and forms. and yet he persists. because love fails, and when it works, it is doomed to fail, and so as to get it, to embrace love or to get a sight at love in the very least, and though he knows he will fail, he persists, because all he needs is a single success, one success onto the next stage, that when it failed, fuck it. fuck it because he will love this girl forever, and forever is enough for him.

"I will do it anyways, patterned or not I still have to do it, I need to do this and keep doing this until.. until i don't think it’s important anymore.."

he thinks, he asked himself why, and stared onto the big empty, unfocused.
"well? aren't you leaving?" said the voice almost like a command

the man sits still.

he sits still.

and for a moment, there were silence..